Newness.

I am having trouble getting to sleep. Tomorrow, or well, I guess today is my first day of my second semester as a junior. This semester is looking to be a very busy and rewarding one. My classes are Practicum In Journalism, Public Relations Strategies and Campaigns, Advanced Reporting, Music of the World’s Cultures, my internship, and Tackling Repetitive Famine in Africa. The Practicum in Journalism course is actually The Collegiate, which is my college’s paper. I am going to be the Editor In Chief this semester. I am very excited about the chance to exercise my leadership skills and be in such a high role of management in my college’s paper. My internship is at the Wilson Education Partnership. I will be working with the executive director of the non-profit with social media and public relations. I am excited about the chance to further my knowledge and practice of social media and public relations. I am also so happy that I get a chance to work with education, a non-profit, the executive director and meet and network so many people who work and live in Wilson. I think the class I am most looking forward to this semester would be Tackling Repetitive Famine In Africa. I’m really interested to learn more about the topic and how I can help ease the hunger of the world’s people.

My last weekend before my semester was pretty great. I got the chance to hang with lots of friends before the semester started. I love my friends very much. Friends are one of the greatest things in life. That is my opinion. Over the weekend I was also introduced to a Youtube sensation, which was Epic Rap Battles of History. They are hilarious and I encourage everyone to take a look at these humorous videos and to always share laughs and time with friends and others close to you.

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Also, I have really big news! On Jan. 3 close to midnight I was checking my email when I noticed an email from a staff member from my college’s financial aid department regarding a travel scholarship I had applied for. I applied for this scholarship months ago and had received an email prior to this one. I originally requested scholarship funds to travel to Italy, but sadly, this trip was cancelled due to lack of interest. I was given an opportunity to request funds to visit an alternative trip, but I had yet to be awarded said funds. When I first saw the email I was being negative and thought… they must be emailing me to tell me I was not awarded the scholarship. Then as I looked at the email closer I saw it said congratulations and then went on to say I had been awarded $3,799, which is the entire cost for the trip that I applied for. The trip’s name is “Austria, Germany, Czech Republic: The Sound of Mozart’s Music: European, Classical, and Bavarian Music and Movies on Location.” I am extremely excited about travel to Europe from June 19 to June 27.

My college’s website says this about the trip, “This is a trip built around music, concentrating on Mozart, but taking advantage of location to experience the popular “The Sound of Music” tour in Salzburg, where Mozart was born. We will hear the Vienna Boy’s Choir in Vienna’s Hofburgkapelle, and enjoy the beautiful settings of Salzburg, Vienna, and Prague. We will honor Anton Bruckner, Austria’s greatest composer of church music, at the Abbey of St. Florian. Again taking advantage of location, we will visit Neuschwanstein Castle and the dark Eagle’s Nest in Berchtesgaden, Hitler’s last location in this world. Mozart’s Figarohaus apartments are also on the itinerary, as well as the Pasqualati House where he died. Stopping in Telc, the old midway point on the King’s trip from Vienna to Prague, we shall end our tour with the last of many musical performances in the most unique and beautiful of Europe’s capital cities.”

I have never been out of the United States and I can’t wait for this amazing experience. I am so happy and thankful. I has seriously thought that someone else had been awarded the scholarship and my eyes filled with tears of happiness and gratefulness when I read the email telling me that I would have the opportunity to travel to three European countries this summer.

Along with traveling to Europe this summer I am hoping to work at a summer camp or do some kind of teaching, educational, and/or service oriented program over the summer. Wish me luck on my pursuit of a traveled and full summer.

I have several resolutions and hopes for this year and semester. I hope to lose weight and be healthier, do well in school, save money, development my leadership skills, have a successful internship, grow, do lots of things for the first time, spend more time with the people I love and care for, and much more. Wish me luck and give me encouragement.

Okay, well, I’m off to bed. I should get a bit of sleep for school.

Moving on.

In a previous post I spoke briefly about moving on and moving along and I posted the song “Move Along,” by the All-American Rejects.
My life has been extremely intense as of late. I recently found out some things I was unaware of that have caused me to completely cut someone out of my life. For a long time I believed I was in love with this person and I also believed that that person was in love with me. This may seem silly to you, especially considering I’m only 20 years old, but I am not like most 20-year-olds. I don’t fall in love every other week. I am mature and the person I am referring to is the ONLY person I have ever truly believed myself to be in love with. To know that I honestly and seriously thought I was in love with someone and to know that I have had to cut that person out of my life breaks my heart. And to know that our love was lie hurts more than I can begin to describe. It also breaks my heart to know that I was completely manipulated and deceived. And it breaks my heart that there were obvious signs that “love” blinded me from. Sometimes I think about people who knew what was going on and I feel angry towards them for not slapping and shaking me, but the thing is, they tried. I just didn’t want to believe it. And another horrible thing is that I screwed up perfectly wonderful relationships and friendships for this individual. I believed that this person loved me. I neglected myself, friends, family, my health, my bank account and just about everything else you can think of for this person.
To put things simply… I was an idiot. I was young and dumb and thought I was in love. Love makes us stupid. Love is an amazing and beautiful thing, but sometimes people feel the need to twist, contort and lie about love. Love should never be a lie.
All you need is love. Love is all you need.
Trust. I invested so much of myself and my trust into this person. I honestly and truly trusted them. I would have done anything for them. I would have given so much for them, because I thought what we had, although it was complicated, was true. I would do just about anything for those I love and care for. I would also do just about anything for genuineness. Truth is such an awesome and powerful thing. The weight of truth and trust pushes heavily upon my hearth and that is why I feel such a dedication and obligation to those things. And that is why I felt such an obligation and dedication to this person.
I’m not even sure why I am writing this blog. I think I am writing so that I can explain the way I feel. I’m not sure if it’s for myself or for others. I think it may be for both.
I could probably go on and on, but I probably won’t, because there is no point in doing so.
But I will talk about this all a little more. I just want to emphasize that I am hurt. And over the past couple weeks I have not felt completely put together. I think I can definitely say that I have felt in a way…broken. Right after the truth of this matter unfolded I screamed, cried and I knew right away I was unstable and needed someone to lean upon. I spoke with several friends about what I was going through. And I just want to say thank you to everyone who listened and sympathized for and with me. I appreciate you all so much. And I love you all so much.
Another thing, I am scared. I am scared that I won’t feel whole again. I am afraid I won’t trust like I have trusted. I am afraid I won’t find a true romance. I am worried that I have messed up too much. I am scared that I am going to push good things away. But at this moment I feel okay. Although, I do feel very betrayed, used, and thrown away. That feeling is slowly, but surely fading. I seriously had been feeling like trash lately, because that’s what I was to this person. I was trash. Something that could be taken for all it’s worth and tossed a side. I was a toy. Something that that particular person treasured and played with constantly, but slowly would get tired of. And of course, we always reminisce with our old toys. We pick them up again to see how they feel and we play with them just to remember those times. And when others try to play with our toys, we want them back.
I don’t want anyone to feel the way I’ve been feeling. I also don’t want anyone to have to deal with the bullshit I’ve dealt with. This has been extremely hard to deal with. No one teaches you how to deal with something like this, but I think I’ve done a pretty good job. It’s also been hard taking advice from people on how to deal with things, because everyone deals with things differently. I was told not to cry and that I shouldn’t talk about it so much, but you know what? Crying is an amazing way to release things. And talking about things just reinforces my need to keep myself, my energy and love away for this person. It reinforces the negative feelings I have towards them, which I need, because I can’t deal with them anymore. I don’t want them in my life. I don’t want to be their friend, lover or even their enemy. I don’t even want them to be a memory. I just want them gone. And if I ever go back to this particular person please push me down a flight of stairs.
Although, I have felt such extreme hurt and heart break I am glad I know the truth. I am very happy that I will not remain ignorant to what is happening to me. I am happy that I know the things I know so that I can truly and completely move on. This happening to me has opened my eyes to all the amazing and wonderful things in my life as well as all the things I have been neglecting. To all those I have hurt or neglected, I am truly sorry. I have already personally apologized to a few people, but I have a couple more specific apologies to dish. I am nervous about them, but I will carry them out one way or another.
I have looked at this incident in several ways. One way I have looked at it is that I have felt like I have been dead and now, I am alive, and now, I need to truly and completely live and take advantage of everything. I know that sounds dramatic. I need to do all the things I’ve wanted to do, all of the things I never had time for, all of the things I had forgotten about doing and more.
Like, I said before, I thought many times I was okay and I obviously wasn’t. Now, I feel okay. I feel like a weight has been lifted. I know what I need to do. I need to do everything I’ve always wanted to do and more. I need to succeed. I need to be happy. And I need to make steps and big strides to get to the places I want to go and do the things I want to do.
I am concentrating on growing and evolving into a better me for me. This is not about you. This is not about anyone else, but me. I am not looking for anyone romantically. I am not ready for something like that. I am not looking for a friends with benefit, because I don’t have time for something like that. I am not looking for your pity. I am looking for myself and I’d appreciate people’s understanding, but I most definitely don’t need it.
The worst thing I could do is to give up, because that would be failing. That would be allowing that person win.

A little of this, a little of that: Unspoken thoughts and heartfelt rants

There is so much built up inside of me and I am learning more and more everyday. I am learning about myself, the world and all that is left unsaid within me.

One thing I have realized is that I am just like everyone else. I get jealous. I have anxiety. I cry. I lie. I love. I have opinions, which may differ from yours. I realize that I am very unaware about a lot of things but I feel that I am more aware than what I used to be. There are people my age that don’t even know that Occupy Wall Street is happening. We are living in the country where  history is being made and you don’t even know it’s happening. It depresses me. It also depresses me that people at my college don’t do anything and expect to move ahead in life. It also bothers me that I think I may be one of those people. I don’t want to be one of those people. I want to be a hard worker. I want to be good with money. I want to be dependable and independent. It’s hard, but of course, it’s not impossible.

Speaking about Occupy Wall Street. It also bothers me when people talk about how people who are for the movement are basically in a way begging for money and such. Some call those for the 99% lazy and consider them not to be hardworking citizens. I wonder if they’ve ever had a best friend who doesn’t have a refrigerator or an oven, who was also out of power for a couple of weeks and who gets less meals than me or you. I wonder if they know and realize that my friend isn’t able to continue schooling because of a couple of simple mistakes anyone could have made and a lack of money. I wonder if they realize that my friend works and so does their parents. I wonder if they know about the health problems his parents have and the issues he has to deal with. I wonder if they have compassion. I wonder if they’ve ever lived in government housing and I wonder if they realize that my mother is extremely hardworking but had to file bankruptcy last year. I wonder if they realize what my friend goes through and what my family has gone through and what the 99% goes through. I wonder if they realize how many college graduates can’t find jobs and how many people go without, while so many have more than enough. I wonder if they realize that people don’t want handouts. They want a chance. They want proper training. They want jobs. They want a means to an end to their suffering. They want freedom, equality and justice. Everyone deserves a chance. No one deserves to be hungry, die from starvation, be deprived of education, because of money and to be looked down upon because they don’t have enough. The 99% percent are not begging for your handouts, they are begging for a means to an end. I am the  99%.

I’ve realized that relationships and love take more than I thought. You really have to compromise when you give yourself to someone else. I have always thought of compromising oneself as a negative, but in someways it is necessary for healthy relationships. Love requires partnership, understanding, communication, consideration and much more.

When I was thinking about writing this blog I felt like I had so much to say but now that I’m typing… I’m feeling kind of blank but I do have one more thing I want to talk about and that is, the future. No one knows what the future holds. That’s a good thing, though. It allows surprise and experience to take place. Being a reporter and speaking with people who love and are passionate about what they’re doing makes me happy and envious. I want to feel that. And usually they tell me they never thought they’d be where they are BUT they love it. I adore them. I can’t wait to find my place and love it. I am growing. I can feel it. I’m going to start eating healthier and exercises and doing things I want to do. I’m going to be who I want to be.